I encountered many people and things along the way, and often wished I could write these down. While the food and scenery can be replicated, the kindness and emotional exchanges are unique and unrepeatable. The new place I visit quickly tells me whether its vibe resonates with my own. It’s surprising how different people living just an hour away can be in personality and habits. How much does geography and environment influence us? Yet, some things are universally similar: arguing couples, crying children, joggers, stray dogs, pet dogs, noisy shopping malls, colorful fruit stands, and nearly empty libraries.
I often think I’ve figured things out, only to realize later that I was mistaken. As I’ve grown, I’ve shifted from dreaming of creating a perfect world to figuring out how to coexist with this imperfect one. Instead of aiming for daily happiness, I start learning how to focus on handling negative emotions and mindsets. I find that being with others sometimes makes me feel lonelier and in need of my own space. Changing surroundings is just a small part of the solution; if my mindset doesn’t change, nothing improves.
Discipline and Freedom
I used to track my time by the week, meticulously recording my diet, exercise, sleep, and even masturbation. I used tables for everything, distrusting technology’s supposed efficiency and privacy invasions, and craving more control over myself. But a conversation with my roommate made me realize that these numbers had become constraints. It wasn’t about being disciplined but rather about restricting my own happiness according to someone else’s rules or lifestyle. Sometimes, maybe technology adds complexity, forcing us to solve the problems it creates.
The best part now is being able to pick up a new book or continue an old one whenever I want. I used to feel guilty about reading, as if I should be working instead. As work increased, my reading diminished, and I felt like I was becoming a mere machine, as if that were the only way to survive.
Now, time feels like it’s marked by the growth of my hair and nails, and I often ponder the boundary between self-discipline and freedom. Seeing others’ lifestyles is easy, but understanding our own need is challenging, especially as our desires and goals constantly shift.
A Crying Butterfly
One day, I nearly stepped on a butterfly on the road, thinking it was dead. But it moved a little, and I saw that one of its wings was injured. It could only lie there, struggling slowly across a slippery patch. I decided to move it to the grass to keep it from being stepped on, using a small branch to help. When I came back a few hours later, it was still there, barely moving. This encounter struck me deeply, as if the butterfly had jolted me awake from my own struggles and fears. I hope it recovers and can fly again someday.
One more thing, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest friend, you are a gift to me.
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